WTF Wednesday: Week Five

A Whole Lotta WTF!

(Enjoy this essay as read by the writer, instead of creepy AI!)

Hello, Friend,

Is it just me, or is time stretching and contracting simultaneously? Because it’s WTF Wednesday…again! It’s that magical moment whereupon we channel Leonard Nimoy as we don our jaunty pith helmet, grab a trusty compass, toss on a backpack filled with tasty snacks and beverages and head off road into the sweaty swamps of D.C. in search of a whole lotta WTF! Let’s try to find a little levity, shall we?

Tesla stock is tanking, but ME-lon, much like his (sort of?) boss PINO Grievio, is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. He sues advertisers who have the temerity to opt out of giving the world’s richest man MORE money to advertise on the toxic waste dumpster fire of X. How dare they spend their ad dollars in the manner in which they see fit? Now it seems he’s egging PINO into threatening legal action against citizens exercising their First Amendment rights. WTF, ME-lon? If you weren’t such an insufferable douche canoe, people might want to buy your cars. You opted to shit all over your former customer base in favor of the MAGA crowd that prefers pick up trucks and cars that go vroom-vroom. Maybe this whole DOGE thing-where you work but also don’t work but also work and fire but also don’t fire but also fire folks-isn’t panning out quite how you hoped. Nobody voted for it…or you for that matter…and it seems your scant welcome is turning into a raging GTFOH. Between the polls, exploding rockets, flurry of recalls, growing protests, and the plummeting sales, perhaps it’s time for you to boot scoot your sassy ass back to Texas and get back to work. Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mothertrucker!

Speaking of PINO, he’s pushed the boundaries so far beyond any semblance of normalcy that hosting a pop-up car lot/fundraiser for the world’s richest man in front of the White House produces shrugs. Break out your wallets and the world’s tiniest violin because poor, pitiful, put upon ME-lon can’t survive on the mere 8 million dollars a day he gets from our coffers. He has a big sad, folks. Bigly. Time for a reverse Oprah where YOU BUY A CAR! and YOU BUY A CAR! and YOU BUY A CAR! Because…COMPUTERS! WOW!

Wall Street NYC, 1929 PUBLIC DOMAIN WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

PINO’s ping pong ping ping pong approach to tariffs is playing havoc with the stock market. Is it a devious master plan to help his wealthy cronies pump and dump and pump again? WTAF, PINO? Is he playing three dimensional chess or…is he playing tiddly winks with his tiddle half full? That depends on who you ask and how willing they are to supplicate themselves to Liddle Donny Three Tiddles Short of a Wink.

Last week we were relieved that Bobby Carcass Chomper appeared to be back peddling on his anti-Vaxx lunacy. Alas, we spoke too soon. He’s calling for yet ANOTHER study on vaccines and autism, because he has a feeling that he’s right. Bobby has earned millions of dollars in contingency fees from vaccine injury related legal actions…not that there’s a conflict of interest there, folks. He’d also like you to know that an unproven combination of Cod Liver Oil, Antibiotics, and Budesonide are great treatment options for those pesky little red spots! Seriously, WTF? Step right up and grab a bottle of Bobby’s Sensational Snake Oil, a sure cure for all that ails you! (Unless you’re lazy and you eat shitty food, and that’s why you got so sick from the measles, duh.)

Administrator of the Small Business Administration Linda McMahon speaking at the 2018 Conservative Political Action Conference Gage Skidmore Creative Commons 2.0 Share Alike WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

In the ‘we couldn’t make this shit up if we tried department’, newly minted Secretary of Education Linda McMahon defended the firing of 1300 (mostly female and minority) Education Department employees with this unbelievable reverse DEI statement, “We wanted to make sure we kept all of the right people, the good people…” By right and good she meant white and male, obvs. Talk about a botch, if you replace the o with an i.

It’s not all bad news, as defying reason and logic, inflation cooled in February...woot…just in time for the will he or won’t he tariffs to drive prices back up according to Fed Chair Jerome Powell. Even PINO can’t guarantee we won’t end up in a recession, but it’ll be worth it because we’re going to be so rich we aren’t going to know where to spend all that money…and by ‘we’ he means he and his pals and definitely not the rest of us.

Yes, it’s pretty much as awful as we think it is, and finding anything to laugh about right now is a challenge. Yet we must keep digging for the little bits of joy lingering in the turd piles. Here’s to retaining hope, even in the worst of times.

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