WTF Wednesday: Week Seven

A Wonderwall of WTF!

(Enjoy this essay read by the writer instead of an AI imposter!)

Hello, Friend,

Could it be? Yes it could! Shit is happening, shit’s not good! It’s heading our way!*

Once again we find ourselves gathered here to mourn the agonizing slow death (or swift demise at this rate) of our republic. It’s a wonderwall of WTF, whereupon we gird our loins for a grotesque gallery of greedy ghouls and goblins gathered to gleefully grab us by the groin, gobble our gold, garnish our gains, and gut our government.

Good grief!

First, a definition. Yesterday I shared a bold new word for the American political lexicon. Today I shall endeavor to define it. Plug your nostrils and get ready for the crapistocracy!

Speaking of shittiest shit shows and shittiest shits…this distinction may ‘be best’ bestowed upon the smarmy self-righteous sanctimonious psueudo-religious sham masquerading as your goofy Christian neighbor House Speaker Li’l Mikey Johnson. Yes, Jesus loves him! At least that’s what he says (when he’s not monitoring his son’s porn activities, lying through his pearly whites, or attempting to steal elections.) Ready at a moment’s notice with an endless array of absurd excuses for the crapistocracy and their transgressions.

Here’s a particularly foul emission straight from the Orwellian school of newspeak:

“All over the country, I’m going to all the states and everywhere we go, Tony, there’s euphoria. I mean, people are excited. And I mean, from your average voter to moms and dads who are now feeling freedom again being that we’re turning the tide. You’ve got business owners at every level, large and small, who are making decisions to expand business and they know that help is on the way and it’s already begun and they feel good about it.” Mike “Full of (sh)It” Johnson

Yesterday he reached new depths of depravity in suggesting the ELIMINATION of Federal Courts! Are you freaking kidding me? (un)HOLY SHIT, Mikey! You’ve crossed the Rubicon!

Is there anything shittier than a shit in sheep’s clothing? Embrace your inner demon, Mike, it’s clearly begging for attention.

Go to the dark side, they have cookies!

The shittiest cookies for the shittiest shits.

Grab a box of (un)HOLY SHIT! Cookies!

Baked in the bowels of hell by Beelzebub’s favorite little demons and the creators of that other iconic baked delight sorely needed by our Loose Lips Sink Ships “Intelligence” Team…

Clearly the Democrats cannot let this Signal scandal go, not after the five alarm fire nothing burger Hillary scandal that brought us the Pernicious Persimmon the first time. We need a catchy catch phrase like ‘but her emails’…

While we ponder the possibilities, Atlantic Editor Jeffrey Goldberg has released the chat. The shifting narrative on his involvement and the nature of the conversation is a thing of wonder. The buck stops anywhere but here, folks.

It’s a major intelligence breech, which all of them would agree, based on their previous statements, should have dire legal consequences.

Just kidding. Not for them, because they’re special. (Even the Dilbert who was texting from inside of the Kremlin.)

Sure, Jan…and by sure we mean…

We’re delighted to report there is no exciting (and by exciting we mean disturbing) news on Robert Road Kill this week, but we’re less than enthused to find him joined in running our national health agencies by an array of anti-vaxx, anti-mask, pro-herd immunity, health care privatization proponents as we the people resort to relying on a wing and a prayer while bird flu, measles, candida auris, and drug resistant tuberculosis duke it out for America’s Next Great Pandemic!

The suspense is killing us.

Literally.*

It wouldn’t be a WTF Wednesday without a cosmic conundrum! How’s this for a head scratcher? It appears that previous assumptions about dark matter signaling the ongoing expansion of our universe may have been incorrect. Dark matter is disappearing and the implications for the future of, well, everything are interesting. On the larger scale, instead of a quantum apocalypse, we may be looking at an eventual implosion or the Big Crunch.

“Or, if we’re very lucky, it could completely stabilize. An infinite frozen universe, forever.”

Jackie Appel for Popular Science

Alternately, once dark matter disappears, things might just stay as they are for eternity. One can only hope this is a metaphor for the rise in autocracy across the globe! Perhaps it, too, will disappear! Forever! Sounds good to me! Not that anyone asked, but when has that ever stopped me from offering my opinion?

Finally…from my neck of the woods, a little bit of GOOD NEWS! A special election here in Lancaster County, PA may well be a harbinger of dark matter disappearing, a Democrat won a state senate seat here for the first time in decades. I’m in a different district, where Dems never run candidates, but I think it may be time we flipped on that switch! WTF?! Let’s do this, people!

Here’s to brighter days to come, maybe not as soon as we’d like, but hopefully before the lights go out and send us hurtling back into the Dark Ages. Grab a wing and a prayer and hold on!

*My sincere apologies to Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim.

*Not literally, it’s actually the viruses, bacteria, and fungi. Woot.

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