The Bully Era

Strong Men are Weak Men

The Great Dictator Charlie Chaplin Movie Still, 1940 United Artists PUBLIC DOMAIN WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Hello, Friend,

Strong Men are weak men. Bullies are broken people. Our wannabe dictator said as much recently, with what might be the ultimate example of a complete lack of self-awareness. Bullies spend their lives in a desperate attempt to capture the strength that eludes them. Part of who they are is likely genetic, but much of what drives them may also be rooted in their childhood experiences, specifically in experiences of neglect and abuse. Abuse shapes us in profound ways, it changes our brain structure, it alters our DNA, and the trauma it causes can be passed on genetically. If a child is not loved, nurtured, and protected, if they are physically and/or emotionally abused by a parent or parents or family members or authority figures, or if they grow up in a highly unstable environment, they have to find ways to survive. They don’t know safety or security, they know chaos. So chaos becomes their normal, a familiar state of discomfort in which they have found a way to exist. Once they are free from the chaos, they may be unable to set themselves free from their chaos survival mode. They become stuck in a perpetual chaotic, emergency response, often creating new chaos in search of familiarity.

There is a certain comfort in the discomfort they create and a discomfort in the comfort for which they may long. It is a perilous dichotomy, one that I believe is holding all of us hostage in this moment.

People who seek power through threat, violence, intimidation, and oppression are people who feel powerless (or people who feel nothing at all.) The only way they can feel powerful (or feel something) is through having the illusion of power over others. It is never enough, though. This is what drives them further and further towards their darkest impulses. This lack of ability to move beyond their immediate needs to feel compassion or connection makes them lonely, sad, empty, and insatiable. They may seek stimulation through self-medication, risky behaviors, self-isolation, or through hurting others. We can see this dynamic playing out now in the US, with not just one bully in charge, but two, and an array of bullies being gathered around them. This destructive duo are insecure, unhappy men raised by toxic parents with all of the advantages that wealth and privilege provided and yet none of the love needed to become loving humans. Two men who have the most money and the most power and it is not enough. There is no amount of money or power that will satiate them. They recognize themselves in each other and because of this recognition they feel connected. They are surrounding themselves with other bullies, because they feel a collective sense of power that is temporarily filling their emptiness. Misery loves company, and it appears, abusers love the company of other abusers. I doubt they like each other beyond loving what they see in the mirror images they provide, but they are willing to put up with each other in their quest for more power.

I have spent much of my lifetime as a target of bullies. There are theories about the complex dynamic between empaths and sociopaths, which might help explain some of this. My childhood chaos made me more compassionate instead of hardening me. Being an odd girl out helped me connect with other outcasts, and together we found solace and strength. Our collective power was rooted in our desire for a just world built on equity, unconditional love, and kindness. I have an overwhelming desire for fairness. I have always been able to see through the masks that bullies often wear. This is a gift and a curse, because when bullies know you can see them, you can become a target. You are a threat to their ability to maintain their illusions, they are afraid you will unmask them. Bullies who feel seen and therefore cornered will lash out. That has cost me considerably over my lifetime. It has isolated me personally, socially, in my own family, and it has destroyed me professionally, but it has not broken me. I will never stop believing in the supreme power of unconditional love.

It may be difficult to understand how so many people can be enthralled by the almost cartoonish bullies taking control of America. After all, if you were to ask these supporters, they’d insist they’re supporting the heroes. They’d cheer for Marty, not Biff, they’d be Team Superman, not Team Lex Luthor. They’d swear they believe in truth, justice, and fairness. Yet, what that means to them has been twisted to rationalize their bad behavior and the bad behavior of the bullies they support. By buying into the idea of ‘the other’ that has dehumanized other people into 'illegals’, ‘libs’, ‘woke’ folks, and an array of disgusting slurs I will not type into this keyboard, they have accepted and celebrated discrimination. Sexism, racism, Xenophobia, homophobia, gender discrimination, religious extremism, ableism, and political polarization become pathways for them to feel special or more worthy. They lack the ability to see that the strong man is using them. He is never going to be their champion because the strong man only cares about himself.

I believe that much of our current dynamic is rooted in the complexities of familial dysfunction and abuse. A child raised by an abusive parent or in an abusive environment may find themselves drawn to abusers, enabling their abuse, making excuses for their toxic behavior, telling themselves that they hold some magical key to fixing or taming the sociopath in their life. I believe a good portion of the American electorate are enablers, participants, or bullies. They’ve elected an Abusive Daddy because they believe that he will protect them and he gives them permission to act on the worst aspects of their nature so that they, too, can feel the feeling of power that comes from having the illusion of power over others.

America is a giant dysfunctional family in crisis that is in existential need of group therapy. If Daddy is home and he’s grabbing the belt, he’s the worst kind of Daddy there is. If we cannot find ways to end the cycles of toxic abuse, to collectively heal the wounds inflicted by strong men and their administrations, to refuse to support policies that foment perpetual war and violence, to recognize the inherent and pervasive social inequities that prevent most people from access to the levers of success, to cease participation in economic systems built on the backs of slave labor, classism, and climate destruction, to heal generational family and social dysfunction, to reject the lie that we are not our brother’s keeper and we don’t owe anyone anything, we will find ourselves facing these same battles over and over again.

I believe our dysfunctional dynamic is a product of the patriarchy and the linear social constructs built on the foundations of abusive behavior. Some might argue that capitalism is an inherently abusive system, and if it is unfettered by regulation I believe they have a point. Systemic inequities are baked into the very fabric of our society. We live in a corrosive social construct built on the lies that the ‘the other’ is the enemy, bullies are strong men, and the rest of us must fight for their favor. We cling to our rung on some imaginary ladder awash in the detritus that trickles down from their destructive agendas.

Until we find a way out of The Bully Era, we will find ourselves constantly revisiting it. We need a collective, global healing, and I am not sure how we manifest it. Perhaps it should start with holding the bully autocrats, parasitic oligarchs, and their enablers to account for the destruction they have created. If we are able to wrench things back, we will have to do everything in our power to construct new systems that lift people up and destroy old systems that hold people down in cyclical dysfunction. I hope that those of us who believe in the power of kindness, creativity, and unconditional love can hold fast to these things and not allow ourselves to become the bullies in the process of fighting them.

The Bully Era has lasted for centuries and it will only end when the rest of us fully understand that strong men are weak men, bullies are broken people, and our collective power and willingness to stand up to tyranny and fight for what is right are our greatest strengths and only hope.

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