FFS! Friday: Week Two!

Terrible Tariffs and Other Indignities

Hello, Friend,

FFS, its FFS! Friday! We made it! Or did we? I’m not quite sure anymore. The final few fumes of joy lingering after Cory Booker’s dazzling turn as Mr. Deeds are fading faster than MElon’s approval ratings. I must confess, putting the fun in the funny is proving increasingly challenging.

Nevertheless, I persist.

Har di har…help me.

Meanwhile, Jabba the Putt(z) is off for yet another long weekend of golf on the taxpayer’s ever thinning dime. Just like him to drop another steaming pile of turds and slink off to MAGAlargo. Those deadbeat penguins better pay up, because Tangelo is running low on bronzer! Is it just me, or is he inching ever closer to Al Jolson territory? Between the color changing cotton candy hair turban and the pumpkin spice pancake make-up applied with a trowel, he’s got a lot of nerve dissing drag queens.

FFS, learn how to blend, honey, it’s not that hard.

The Open Sesame, CJ Taylor 1896 Library of Congress PUBLIC DOMAIN WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

And now…we shall take a moment to talk of tariffs. The most beautiful word, even better than that old fashioned, forgotten word no one remembered until he started using it a scant few months ago: groceries. Finally! A word for that stuff we get at that store where they sell the food! What is that store called again? Who cares because we’re talking about tariffs?! Woot! Tariffs, as anyone with half a brain cell knows, are a tax imposed on imported goods that is passed on to the consumer through elevated prices. Back in the day, they were the alternative to income tax, but now we get to pay both! It’s a terrible two-fer! Just for the masses to help the struggling upper classes. It’s not that tariffs are all bad, but these tariffs are so bad it’s shocking. Ask Wall Street. Excessive tariffs have helped crush the American economy on several occasions, including during Tariffmeistermeistertariff’s favorite Gilded Age and nobody’s favorite Great Depression. He knows this, of course. Or maybe he really doesn’t know this? Didn’t he learn anything at Wharton? Even if he doesn’t know this, the people around him know this, yet their greed exceeds their character by such a degree that they’re willing to flush this nation and the global economy down a gold plated toilet. They can’t wait for the fire sale! Sure, the rest of us are going to live in cardboard boxes and die from consumption, but they’re going to buy it all up for pennies and then…then what, geniuses?

The lack of foresight is staggering.

For fuck’s sake, this really is the stupidest timeline.

Isn’t it funny (and by funny we mean not even a little funny) how one of the few countries to escape the reach of his beautiful tariffs is Russia, Russia, Russia? Not that there’s anything weird about that.

If you’re looking for a giggle, chuckle, or hearty guffaw, might I direct you to the cornucopia of artful goodness on Michael Moore’s Substack! He’s put a call out to artists to create replacements for the Colorado portrait that’s given the Mad King a big sad. It’s all so freaking glorious! I’d participate, but I can’t even hear his voice without dry heaving. If you have it in you, have at it!

Art will save the world. Of this I am certain.

US Weather map at Midnight CST Jan 26, 1967 US National Weather Service (with writer edits) PUBLIC DOMAIN WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

It’s always sunny, because I said so.

Dumpster Don and the Doge Boys eliminated a key extreme weather tool from the FEMA website, despite concerted efforts to scrub it of any offending words, specifically the verboten term ‘climate.’ Unlike tariff or grocery, climate is a horrible word that must never be spoken, written, or contemplated. Floods? Get a boat and float off. Wildfires? Rake the forests, duh. Drought? Turn on that giant faucet! Hurricane? Grab a straw and suck it.

But wait! The fine folks from the Guardian have recreated it! Yay for science! Boo for thin-skinned wannabe autocrats.

You may recall we touched on the story out of Lithuania of the bog swallowed tank and the missing US soldiers. Sadly, their bodies were recovered and were scheduled to arrive for a Dignified Transfer stateside yesterday. Meanwhile, our feckless Commander in Chief left a day early to hit the links and dine with the Saudis. See ya suckers, I’ve got to go play with my balls!

In case you haven’t heard, there are Hands Off rallies scheduled in cities nationwide tomorrow! If you’re so inspired, find a march near you, toss on some comfy shoes, whip up a snarky sign, and get on the good foot! (Some tips on staying safe while protesting, just in case.)

Here’s to making some good trouble!

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